Jack and Jill
by enigma-kar
Summary: ...went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Or did they? Jack sheds a new light on the well known nursery rhyme. Much to the shock and disgust of the team. Rated for innuendo, humour and euphemisms.


**Disclaimer: **I own none of the characters below - they belong to the BBC and RTD. I am merely borrowing. I also do not own the tune or lyrics to Jack and Jill.

_This is the result of waking up and randomly having the nursery rhyme _Jack and Jill _stuck in my head. Just a light, amusing fic with all the members of Torchwood, before they all got killed off. Because we all need something like this after _CoE_. Enjoy! (and don't forget to leave a review)_

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**Jack and Jill...**

It was a quiet day at Torchwood, which in itself was saying something - It was rarely quiet at Torchwood. Taking advantage of this, the team were sitting at their desks pretending to do paperwork. Well, most of them were; Ianto was _actually_ doing the paperwork.

Gwen took a sip from her freshly made coffee and began humming a tune which had been stuck in her head for hours. She knew there were words to go with it, but for the life of her she couldn't remember them. That was until Jack appeared.

"That's _Jack and Jill_, right?"

'The nursery rhyme?" Ianto quickly joined the conversation.

"Oh, is it?" Gwen frowned slightly, the lyrics suddenly appearing in her mind. "I hadn't even noticed, sorry."

"Just brings back fond memories," Jack told her, leaning back against a desk and sighing, a smile gracing his lips.

"Oh here we go," Owen groaned, wearily looking up from his work.

"Fond memories?" Tosh prompted, looking up from her computer.

"Why did you even ask, Tosh?" Owen told her. "You know this is going to end in some ludicrous story created just to make us cringe."

"Sorry," Tosh muttered softly and for a moment her eyes filled with sorrow. The medic didn't see it.

"Since when do I tell ludicrous stories?" Jack questioned; the image of innocence.

"You really want that answered?" Ianto murmured to no one in particular.

"Come on, Jack," Gwen whined slightly and Ianto had to restrain from rolling his eyes. "There is obviously a story behind this."

Jack grinned broadly, flashing everyone his well-known smile. He then turned mock serious. "Firstly, I want you all to know that we weren't fetching a pail of water."

Owen rolled his eyes, "I should have guessed it. You're the Jack from the bloody rhyme." And Jack grinned again.

"Seriously, Jack?" Gwen asked, eyebrows raised.

"Would I lie to you?"

"Again, do you really want that answered?" Ianto put in, earning a mock glare from Jack.

"So who was Jill?" Tosh asked, bringing it back to the story.

"Oh she was gorgeous," Jack began, interrupted as four Torchwood operatives all groaned simultaneously.

"Jack," Gwen said his name warningly.

Jack held his hands up in defeat. "Ok, ok. Well she was..."

"Yes, Jack," Ianto cut in, harsher than he actually intended. "We know she was gorgeous."

"She was very much in love with me," Jack continued, throwing a look at Ianto. "And well, who was I to deny her of certain feelings."

"Oh, you didn't!"

"This is Jack 'shags anything that moves' Harkness," Owen reminded them and Gwen gave a look which clearly said 'fair point'.

"Anyway..." Ianto trailed off and everyone turned to Jack again.

"Anyway, we walked to the top of this hill and mucked around a bit. She was happy, I was happy," he gave a noncommittal shrug.

"What about falling off the hill and break your crown?" Tosh asked.

"Well, we didn't really _fall_ off the hill. It was more like... rolling."

"Ok, you can stop it there, we're getting a bad enough mental image as it is," Owen commented.

"And breaking your crown?" Gwen questioned.

Jack shook his head. "None of us broke anything. That was just added in so it rhymed."

"So, you shagged some chick called Jill on a hill and some weirdo wrote a rhyme about it?" Owen asked, incredulously.

"What do you mean 'some weirdo'?" Jack asked, grinning widely again. He winked at the suddenly silent room before retreating to his office.

"Great," Gwen finally found her voice. "Remind me never to sing that one again."

"Innocent children's nursery rhyme, suddenly changed into a not so innocent tale of one of Jack's many conquests," Ianto commented deadpanned. "All in a day's work at Torchwood."

Owen simply rolled his eyes again and got back to work, muttering something about 'Jack bloody Harkness'. Tosh and Ianto did the same; the former stealing a longing look at Owen and the latter stealing one at Jack's office.

Gwen sighed and with a shake of her head opened the drawer of her desk and pulled out a note pad. Written on it was a list. Slowly she read through it.

_Euphemisms for Jack shagging someone (mainly Ianto)._ It was a tentative title, Gwen admitted.

_- Weevil Hunting_

_- Dabbling_

_- Local Knowledge (needing it)_

_- Ianto's Special Project_

The Welshwoman could help but grin, honestly it was so obvious between those two. Her smile widened as she picked up her pen and added:

_- Fetching a pail of water_

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_Have _you_ got any further euphemisms Gwen could add? :P_

_Suggestions so far have been:_

_- "Fixing the Stopwatch/needing or wanting a stopwatch" (_suggested by both Obwohl and YouGottaSingAlong)

- "_Travelling with the Doctor" _(suggested by Shella)

- _"Clearing out the archives" _(suggested by blackRabbit4)


End file.
